All posts by dedybear

Am I Crazy?

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I often joke that, as long as I am asking this question… I am probably alright.

The dilemma stands though.  I have stopped asking the question. I hear voices in my head, I listen to them (selectively), and I no longer ask the question.

My sister-in-law had the best quote from when she first started hearing things… “I’m a doctor! As soon as I started hearing things, I went through the [92?]* diagnoses, and accepted that I am not crazy.” *She said the right number, I don’t remember what it is.

As I am not a doctor, ow do I know that I do not seriously have a mental disorder? Great Question! Glad you asked!

Confirmation.

Little bits of intuition that guide you in the right direction. A gut feeling that tells you that walking down the alley is not a safe thing right now. A memory that sparks in your mind like Deja vu, just in time to prevent you from making a mistake.

How many things can we push off onto the easy term, conincidence?

One Example: I set a plate on my Ancestry Alter. My grandfather thanked me for the offering and commented about how it was a shame that I couldn’t eat the same… I questioned him further.  He informed me of the wheat content. (Wheat is something I avoid). I didn’t believe him, so I went to check the package.  And it WAS an ingredient. I don’t know how I missed it.

So, this example has flaws.  if I were a skeptic, I would challenge that I could have noticed the ingredients subconsciously and slipped them into my delusion.

* Note: When I say skeptic, I mean someone who is willing to believe, but needs some evidence. Not the kind where there could never be enough evidence.

Second Example: I was joking with my wife and she snapped at me about something. I heard a response and said it out loud to her. She laughed really hard and commented how she didn’t realize she had told me about ‘that’.  I asked, and the response I had given her had a double meaning, and at once it was a great come back, and made fun of her for what she had done earlier.

Third Example: Walking with my wife after dinner, and we got to the edge of the woods.  I got a horrible chill and a feeling that it was not the place to be right then.  We turned away from the woods and walked home.  The next day, I read about how there had been an assault in those woods the evening we had been walking, if we had gone in, it might have been us.

Funnily enough, small confirmations happen all the time.  Warn me before I do something stupid, remind me to do something I was forgetting, or even give me a clue to a problem I am stuck on.

Perhaps I am just so smart that I know everything and can’t remember it all at once, maybe I have impressive intuition, maybe., I see dead people. But am I crazy? No.

Awakening Part 1

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When I was a kid, I saw things. I saw horrible things. I remember people following me. And after I learned to see that other people did not see them, I got scared. I guess terrified is a better word, but not really a word that was common in my 5 year old vernacular.

I can remember a recurring dream I would have, where I was sleeping in bed, and although my bed was not in a position to see the front door, I could watch a spirit coming through the front door, and down the hall to my room. As he would approach me in my bed, I knew the trouble I was in, and I would wake up. Into the same dream. This happened so often that I didn’t trust waking up, as I didn’t know if I was leaving off in the middle of the same dream.

I remember waking up with a man floating 5 or so inches above me in my bed, on fire. I could feel the heat, I could hear his screaming. And he stopped, looked at me, and said, “Are you ready to try this?”

One of the more interesting things I have experienced, is waking up with a demon looking creature standing on my bed. In an attempt to show trust, when he reached out an offering hand, I accepted it. When I asked if I could trust him, he snaked his head down, locked his grip around mine, and told me no.

Now remember that the energy you feel in every home you are in, realize that this is an emotion from the last tenants, a spirit that didn’t leave, or a God that wants your attention. These are not the only feelings I have when entering the same home, but I experience the entire entity as a tangible being.

The final straw for me was when I was standing in my apartment in Detroit. I was standing there, speaking to my girlfriend, and then I blinked. Closing my eyes, I was in my apartment on Prentis street just south of Wayne States Campus. When I opened my eyes, I was in an old saloon. An old western saloon. All of the people in the room turned to look at me, knowing that I was not right. Knowing I was the only one in the room, that was still alive. The next time I blinked, my eyes opened I was back in my apartment.

At that point, I had had enough. I blocked everything out. Everything…

************ 12 years passed ************

I woke up with a headache.

And when I say headache, I want you to know that this was the worst headache of my life.

10 days passed with every day being worse than the day before it.

Every way I knew to take care of myself, every medicine I was aware of, 2 trips to the doctor, and 2 separate prescriptions to antibiotics, and nothing touched this headache.

My mentor later commented on this as being, a slight bit of discomfort.

By the 10th day, I was nearly hallucinating. I took off work, couldn’t see straight.

And I got a message through one of my greatest friends, Jean Lowe Carlson ND. Jean is a remarkable channel. She was still learning the very beginnings of her awakening, and I was simply offering support as someone who knew she was not crazy. And through her, Diana told me a few tidbits of information.

“You are Fay. You have two spirits. One is Transcendental, and the other is Translational.“

Fay: is another word for fairy or mystical folk.
Transcendental: Being beyond ordinary or common experience, thought, or believe; supernatural. A summary from my spirit guides, has the ability to walk in other realms.
Translational: A rendering of something from another language. And a summary from my spirit guides, the ability to talk about it, in a way that people won’t outright see me as insane.

My headache started to ease.

Dichotomy

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The most complicated aspect of my spirituality is that I regularly run into two aspects of myself or my actions that feel opposite yet are the same.

Since I was seven years old, I have been training in the Martial Arts.  I have trained in a Samurai art for almost 5 years now, and feel that with all of that, I am a pretty decent swordsman, I am pretty decent with my hands, and I have an eye for awareness.  Recently, I have been honing my skills with an English Long bow.  I enjoy weapons.

With that said, how is it that I can feel comfortable claiming I am a healer?  I am trained to the level of Reiki Master/Teacher, I have a gift for recognizing ailments, I have gone through a Shaman boot camp, where I learned to focus my gifts and correct Chakras and remove unneeded black energetic cords. I have also learned a fair bit about communication to assure and guide people in ways that they feel comfortable. I enjoy healing.

In thought, Healer and Warrior are not two gifts thought should be in the same person.  How could I possible heal one, and hurt another? I thought deeply about this as it holds true for me, and I needed to understand it.  And I realized that these are two sides of the same blade. These work for me because I heal those who need it, and I can remove them elements that are not healing.

What does a doctor do with Cancer?  They irradiate it.  They kill it.  They cut it out.  And they do this so the rest of the organism can live strongly.

So far, every religion I have studied has made room for violence.  We must remember when we are part of any religion, that we can not only adhere to the aspects we like, and ignore the rest. I actually wrote and gave a service at my congregation about Violence. To me, you must have violence in a world, in order to heal it.