All posts by dedybear

Breaking down my bias

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While no one is shocked, as so many pagans have experienced this, I have a strong bias against Christianity.  We all know why, so, I do not want this post to be about the issues that led me to this point, but I would like to discuss why this has become an issue for me.

As I have mentioned in the past, I work heavily with my ancestors with an Ancestry Alter. I ran into a problem in the past year where my ancestors that are Catholic no longer wished to be at my alter. This was a really painful thing for me, as I knew that they didn’t want to be there because I was pagan, and this was not what they wanted to support.  But I was also grateful to them as they were there for me through the toughest part, when I was learning to start, and despite the prejudice, they helped me.

Now, It is important to mention at this point that so much of my recent work has brought me to see my privilege, and the decisions I make based on only the information I can see, which is not necessarily all the information that is presented.

But them leaving my alter really made me heart sick.  And it took months of doing my own personal work, that while listening to the podcast “The Jaguar and the Owl” that it suddenly came to me, my ancestors did not leave my alter because they were against me, or my faith, or my work… They asked to leave because of the hatred I had for Christianity.  Because through that, there is no way I could truly love them, as their religion is as much of them, as mine is of me.

Heart sick did not even begin to describe the way I felt at that moment in time.  They left because I allowed the wrongs I experienced turn something beautiful into a subtle hatred that was so pervasive that I have a hard time allowing friendship with self-identified Christians.  How does this suite my needs or my faith?  I let those Christians of my youth win, by letting them seed this hatred in me.  I often question how I could have let this happen.  And I realized that the answer is: It truly doesn’t matter.

As with all mistakes, the important part is how you move forward with your new realization, and although learn from the past, don’t waste time lamenting what cannot be changed.

So the question came: How do I heal such a deep and dark rift within myself?  I think this is the most difficult question I have ever posed, and I couldn’t hear any answers came through.  (It is amazing how we can be so blocked, you can’t hear good advise sometimes)

I asked a friend, Sarenth Odinson, while out to dinner.  He asked a few basic questions, and then he mentioned the idea of contacting Jesus himself.


I pause a moment only to give visual affect to the way this statement affected me.  As a shaman, I guess I do have the capacity to reach out to the dead.  Wow, no pressure there at all.

Anyway, we continued our conversation, and he mentioned something else that really helped me in this thought process.  Sarenth also teaches a living traditions type of class where he teaches people to live his tribal religion.  I asked him how it was going.  And he said, wonderfully, slower than I anticipated, but wonderfully.  He commented on how he took for granted how to pray, as he learned it in his own Christian background.  Some people are matriculated with no formal religion or prayer at all.

Much like when I learned the value in a martial art I trained in and no longer had use for, I realized that my pagan faith, is built on the shoulders of my Catholic upbringing.  Because I grew up Catholic, I learned to connect to spirit, and how to pray.  How can I hate something that is such an integral part of who I am?

This conversation was particularly helpful due to what I could hear from it.  And it always makes me question, what valuable pieces am I not hearing.  I guess that is why I am determined to stay a perpetual student, so much to learn, so many subtleties.

That night, while pondering how I would go about contacting someone as powerful and well known as Jesus.

And he was there, Rabbi Jesus.

And an interesting conversation we had.  I feel as if it would be in appropriate to outline it here, but it moved me in remarkable ways.

I would like to tell you some of the things I have learned, and that I hope from every one.  Note, these are my words, not his.

I honestly feel we should all be more like Rabbi Jesus.  All of us. Of all of the deities I have worked with, he was the first powerful figure with whom I have spoken that I didn’t feel the need to have even a little bit of guard up.  I felt perfectly safe in his presence.  He was more compassionate than I could have ever imagined, and being in that presence was a gift onto itself.

For those who are Christian, I simply ask you choose your actions based on love.  For those of you who act and protest, and feel the need for your passionate faith be heard, I ask that you think about how Rabbi Jesus himself would act in that situation, not how your leader or book tell you.  I have read many of the existing versions of the bible, and the actions of the Rabbi I met, are not what are held true in the text. If your faith is true, you may still question everything, and still learn the truths of your faith.

For those of you who are not Christian, I simply ask you to choose your actions based on love.  When it comes to others, think how you would like them to treat you.  Notice that I didn’t say, act as your God(desse)s would act? I am hip to the fact that not all of our God(desse)s are peaceful. If your faith is true, you may still question everything, and still learn the truths of your faith.

I would like more Christ, and less Christianity.

Am I Crazy?

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I often joke that, as long as I am asking this question… I am probably alright.

The dilemma stands though.  I have stopped asking the question. I hear voices in my head, I listen to them (selectively), and I no longer ask the question.

My sister-in-law had the best quote from when she first started hearing things… “I’m a doctor! As soon as I started hearing things, I went through the [92?]* diagnoses, and accepted that I am not crazy.” *She said the right number, I don’t remember what it is.

As I am not a doctor, ow do I know that I do not seriously have a mental disorder? Great Question! Glad you asked!


Little bits of intuition that guide you in the right direction. A gut feeling that tells you that walking down the alley is not a safe thing right now. A memory that sparks in your mind like Deja vu, just in time to prevent you from making a mistake.

How many things can we push off onto the easy term, conincidence?

One Example: I set a plate on my Ancestry Alter. My grandfather thanked me for the offering and commented about how it was a shame that I couldn’t eat the same… I questioned him further.  He informed me of the wheat content. (Wheat is something I avoid). I didn’t believe him, so I went to check the package.  And it WAS an ingredient. I don’t know how I missed it.

So, this example has flaws.  if I were a skeptic, I would challenge that I could have noticed the ingredients subconsciously and slipped them into my delusion.

* Note: When I say skeptic, I mean someone who is willing to believe, but needs some evidence. Not the kind where there could never be enough evidence.

Second Example: I was joking with my wife and she snapped at me about something. I heard a response and said it out loud to her. She laughed really hard and commented how she didn’t realize she had told me about ‘that’.  I asked, and the response I had given her had a double meaning, and at once it was a great come back, and made fun of her for what she had done earlier.

Third Example: Walking with my wife after dinner, and we got to the edge of the woods.  I got a horrible chill and a feeling that it was not the place to be right then.  We turned away from the woods and walked home.  The next day, I read about how there had been an assault in those woods the evening we had been walking, if we had gone in, it might have been us.

Funnily enough, small confirmations happen all the time.  Warn me before I do something stupid, remind me to do something I was forgetting, or even give me a clue to a problem I am stuck on.

Perhaps I am just so smart that I know everything and can’t remember it all at once, maybe I have impressive intuition, maybe., I see dead people. But am I crazy? No.

Awakening Part 1

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When I was a kid, I saw things. I saw horrible things. I remember people following me. And after I learned to see that other people did not see them, I got scared. I guess terrified is a better word, but not really a word that was common in my 5 year old vernacular.

I can remember a recurring dream I would have, where I was sleeping in bed, and although my bed was not in a position to see the front door, I could watch a spirit coming through the front door, and down the hall to my room. As he would approach me in my bed, I knew the trouble I was in, and I would wake up. Into the same dream. This happened so often that I didn’t trust waking up, as I didn’t know if I was leaving off in the middle of the same dream.

I remember waking up with a man floating 5 or so inches above me in my bed, on fire. I could feel the heat, I could hear his screaming. And he stopped, looked at me, and said, “Are you ready to try this?”

One of the more interesting things I have experienced, is waking up with a demon looking creature standing on my bed. In an attempt to show trust, when he reached out an offering hand, I accepted it. When I asked if I could trust him, he snaked his head down, locked his grip around mine, and told me no.

Now remember that the energy you feel in every home you are in, realize that this is an emotion from the last tenants, a spirit that didn’t leave, or a God that wants your attention. These are not the only feelings I have when entering the same home, but I experience the entire entity as a tangible being.

The final straw for me was when I was standing in my apartment in Detroit. I was standing there, speaking to my girlfriend, and then I blinked. Closing my eyes, I was in my apartment on Prentis street just south of Wayne States Campus. When I opened my eyes, I was in an old saloon. An old western saloon. All of the people in the room turned to look at me, knowing that I was not right. Knowing I was the only one in the room, that was still alive. The next time I blinked, my eyes opened I was back in my apartment.

At that point, I had had enough. I blocked everything out. Everything…

************ 12 years passed ************

I woke up with a headache.

And when I say headache, I want you to know that this was the worst headache of my life.

10 days passed with every day being worse than the day before it.

Every way I knew to take care of myself, every medicine I was aware of, 2 trips to the doctor, and 2 separate prescriptions to antibiotics, and nothing touched this headache.

My mentor later commented on this as being, a slight bit of discomfort.

By the 10th day, I was nearly hallucinating. I took off work, couldn’t see straight.

And I got a message through one of my greatest friends, Jean Lowe Carlson ND. Jean is a remarkable channel. She was still learning the very beginnings of her awakening, and I was simply offering support as someone who knew she was not crazy. And through her, Diana told me a few tidbits of information.

“You are Fay. You have two spirits. One is Transcendental, and the other is Translational.“

Fay: is another word for fairy or mystical folk.
Transcendental: Being beyond ordinary or common experience, thought, or believe; supernatural. A summary from my spirit guides, has the ability to walk in other realms.
Translational: A rendering of something from another language. And a summary from my spirit guides, the ability to talk about it, in a way that people won’t outright see me as insane.

My headache started to ease.


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The most complicated aspect of my spirituality is that I regularly run into two aspects of myself or my actions that feel opposite yet are the same.

Since I was seven years old, I have been training in the Martial Arts.  I have trained in a Samurai art for almost 5 years now, and feel that with all of that, I am a pretty decent swordsman, I am pretty decent with my hands, and I have an eye for awareness.  Recently, I have been honing my skills with an English Long bow.  I enjoy weapons.

With that said, how is it that I can feel comfortable claiming I am a healer?  I am trained to the level of Reiki Master/Teacher, I have a gift for recognizing ailments, I have gone through a Shaman boot camp, where I learned to focus my gifts and correct Chakras and remove unneeded black energetic cords. I have also learned a fair bit about communication to assure and guide people in ways that they feel comfortable. I enjoy healing.

In thought, Healer and Warrior are not two gifts thought should be in the same person.  How could I possible heal one, and hurt another? I thought deeply about this as it holds true for me, and I needed to understand it.  And I realized that these are two sides of the same blade. These work for me because I heal those who need it, and I can remove them elements that are not healing.

What does a doctor do with Cancer?  They irradiate it.  They kill it.  They cut it out.  And they do this so the rest of the organism can live strongly.

So far, every religion I have studied has made room for violence.  We must remember when we are part of any religion, that we can not only adhere to the aspects we like, and ignore the rest. I actually wrote and gave a service at my congregation about Violence. To me, you must have violence in a world, in order to heal it.