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Along the path I have wandered, our main teachings come from four weekend learning experiences that are done in the name of the four cardinal directions, and the spirits that are associated with each.  They went like this:

• South: Hatun Amaru (The Great Serpent)
• West: Otorongo (Jaguar)
• North: Huanacauri (Dragon) & Siwar Qenti (Royal Hummingbird)
• East: Kuntor (Condor)

Each one of these directions is another step down the rabbit whole of understanding the path a bit further.  They build off each other, yet also work together as a cohesive whole.

After I completed the South work, I was speaking to a friend of mine who has a practice as a Psychologist.  I explained some of the efforts, and the challenges that it brought on, he commented: “Wow, that sounds like my entire Bachelor’s degree in Psychology…”

My wife and I frequently have conversations about the psychology and spirituality, and how they seem to walk the same paths…  But when my friend made the statement above, it really hit home for me that our conversation was more than just a joke.

As I have more and more people reach out to me, I am walking into areas where I do not know the beliefs of the person with whom I will join.  I do not know if I will be able to speak to their beliefs in the spiritual.  And it got me to thinking about, will the help that I can offer actually be of help, if they believe in nothing?  If they have absolutely no belief in spirit, energy, ghosts, ritual…

Yes.  Yes it will.

Now, it is important that I note that when you believe in nothing, you tend to get the zero feedback. As with all of us, your belief perpetuates the response you are willing to hear.  So there are some tools I utilize that will go unfelt.  (Or maybe not felt in a way that is attributed to my efforts)  However; when I work with someone, it has nothing to do with their beliefs, nor mine.  The individual beliefs we share or do not share end up carrying no value. There are affects of this work that are completely in the realm of psychology, if not spiritual.

There is remarkable power in a few very simple things.

1. Listening to someone.  Truly listening.  Where your goal is to hear their words, and understand their feelings and meaning.  Without judging or thinking about how to respond. Hearing enough of what they are saying to you to be able to echo back what you have heard, and offer connections they might not see.
2. Ritual. In the morning, I wake up, I grind the coffee, I boil the water, and with those actions in place, and knowing coffee is on the way, I can pack lunches, and get the kids snow gear ready for school.  At night before bed, I read with the kids, we brush teeth together, settle into bed with an audio book.  These little rituals we add to our daily lives offer comfort.  By creating a ritual space, you create a space of comfort and connectivity with one another.
3. Making someone the target of your care.  Having someone with you, and know that they are working for your betterment is a healing experience in itself.

The more I do this work, the more power I see in the ability to change someone’s life, by being the one person who has heard them, the one person who has validated their feelings (even if you do not agree with their judgements), and let them know that they are OK.

Here is something that I recommend for you.  Go to a mirror.  Stare into your own eyes, and say, “I don’t like *** about myself, and I am ok”  Pick anything that you have a hard time thinking about with yourself, or something you are aware you don’t like.  Acknowledge that feeling.  Don’t try to invalidate it.  Your feeling is valid.  But no matter your feeling, add, “and I am ok.”  Say it twice.  Say it three times.  And you will see a difference in how you feel about it.

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As you may have read earlier in this blog, I have (in the past) had a pretty strong bias against Christianity. Overall, I feel as if I have gotten over this bias; however, there are still moments where I will have an interaction with someone, or read about something in the newspaper, and I feel it swell up inside me.  Then I am forced to go through, realized that I don’t actually feel that way, process where that feeling came from, and try to redirect the built-in queue I have to something more positive.  But it still happens.

When I talk about this topic of being powerlessness in

organized religion, I often reference Christianity, but please note that my concerns lie with any faith where your eternal fate is decided for you based on some sort of judgement.

To explain this, I would like you to think of Christianity (some denominations), and the Pearly Gates.  After you die in this context, you will appear before the Pearly Gates, where you are then given a judgement by St. Peter on whether or not you can enter…

In a single moment, all the decisions and actions that you have made from beginning to end of your life will be judged and your eternal soul will pay the consequences.  So, this is basically saying, that you can try your best throughout your entire life, but in the end, you are judged, and your efforts may not be good enough. You are in a faith that allows you no power.  Imagine if you arrive one day, and St. Peter is having the classic Monday morning.

The kind that requires a cup that basically says, “You need to stop talking until I have had my 3rd cup of coffee” and your judgement point is based on: Which side of the bed he got up on, if St. Joseph was late for the carpool, or he came in to find out that someone thought it was funny to eat his last banana from the fridge… All of these things play into the potential judgement you might get.  You have donated to the fight oppression, you have volunteered your time to help the poor, you have given all of yourself so that others may have something, you have grown into an amazing individual, and is nothing but generous.  But when St. Peter sees that incident from when you worked at Walmart where you stole your co-workers banana and ate just to give him grief… You KNOW he is seeing you as the dude that ruined his day, and do think he wants you living next door to him for eternity?

But even if we put the joking aside, Let’s say you have a really amazing talent with the Guitar?  But you only seem to be able to play Satanistic Death Metal.  That is a clearly bad choice.  You are singing and playing music to encourage love for God’s darkest fallen angel, and that music talks lightly of beatings, and death, and tax evasion… Completely reprehensible stuff.  But let’s say that that is the only way that you have the ability to earn the money you need to support the homeless community center in your city?  While this is clearly a situation I am altering to make things super clear, this is a situation that happens frequently, in every day life.  Your only way to achieve your good goal is by accomplishing something that can be considered bad.

So, you have spent your life, playing music to support some dark creatures, and you use all of that money to pay for meals for starving children.

It seems very clear to me that you are going to hell, because you spent so much time promoting Satan.  However, you were using that to do good, so clearly you are going to heaven.  But then again, There were horrible acts committed in your name, so clearly, you are going to hell.  But then you realize that you sacrificed your own eternity to help the poor.  Which means, of course, you go to heaven.  But we also have to consider intention.  Were you writing the music because you loved it, and after you were too rich, you thought of helping others, or were you doing it solely for the purpose of helping others, and you never touched a dime of that blood money.

What this extremely meandering path really tells us, is that every step of the way a judgement is taking place to guide your actions.  A judgement to decide what is good, and what is bad.  (And we can comfortably know that everyone has slightly different guidelines for that)  And based on these never ending sets of judgements, you will then have your eternity decided for you.  It makes it all feel so, powerless.

I think all of this comes forward with a basic premise. Believe what feels right to you. But make sure you feel good about your actions and the consequences.  Whether or not you are judged in the end, cannot be relevant in your day to day.  But worrying about potential consequences based on others opinions you only hinder the sincerity in your efforts.  Do acts of kindness, because you have found a way to care for others.  Take back your power, and act like a random act of kindness feels good in the moment, and helps a stranger.

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Relationships are the core of the existence of a Shaman. The relationships you build to create the community within which you live and work. The relationships you build with spirit to allow work to happen in all places.  The relationships you build the with trees, and plants, and animals to assure you are offering properly for each energy’s needs. These are all pieces of the whole.  And each relationship is important.

But how do you deal with changing relationships.  When I completed the West work, I had a strong feeling that I would have to sever some important relationships to me to proceed forward.  And this is a thought that terrified me.  I value all of the relationships I have so much that I would be crushed to lose them.  But I have trusted, and kept moving forward.  Kept following my path, kept doing the work…

About 2 months ago, I got the strong impression that I needed to finish my current learning phase and complete this round of education with my mentor post-haste.  (Note, that is just this round, I intend on continuing on with my mentor for a while longer) So I prompted my Allyu to see if anyone else was willing to push forward with me to complete our North and our East work this year.  And the answers were muddled, but the overall feeling is that everyone agreed it should happen.  I also got the strong impression that I needed to go back and read, in detail, information about my Khuya.  The information I wrote when I first made them.  Almost like an Inventory of them and their history.  And I then realized the change that had occurred.  The relationships that had been severed.

My Khuya were not the same.  They had grown so much as to not even be themselves. I was momentarily struck with fear due to the loss of these spirits that I have such a tight bond with. And almost instantly, they started reconnecting with me.  Their energy is drastically different.  Their personalities have grown more bold.

My existing Khuya have moved into a new state. And they are so excited to move forward.

This weekend, Myself, and 1 other member from my Allyu will be stepping into our North Work.

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As we go through the process of learning to be Shamans along the lineage of Peru, we do workshop type weekends to concentrate on different aspects of teachings in the honor of the four directions. We start with South, where we learn about self healing. In the West Work, we learn to confront our own death, and how to work with our own shadows.  I believe that I have explained shadow work on this blog before, and I will go into the confrontation of your own death later.  But what I would like to share today is that I am continuing to learn more about myself on this path, than I had ever imagined.  I am, of course, learning about Shamanism, but much of that comes from understanding myself.  Physically, emotionally, and energetically.  The more work I do, the more I realize that Shamanism can be more psychology than energy.  (But works all the better for being both)

I am learning more about the path I am on, as well as what my path is.  I have known for a while that being a teacher is not the path for me.  I am a healer, I am a Torchbearer.  And while all of the work I have been doing, seemed much like the work of a priest, Hecate kept telling me clearly that I am not a Priest. This is something I have given a lot of thought to.  I feel like this is the work of a Priest, but I am no Priest.  What is it that I am doing as a Torchbearer?

This past week, I had the chance to have dinner with a couple of friends, and as I was discussing this question with Sarenth, He was quick to understand my concern and tell me the thing I didn’t see.

And if I may summarize what he had to say,
A Priest works with a deity or deities, but they are working more closely with the divine, and allowing people to learn from them.
A Minister, is someone that works with a deity or deities, but they take the information from the deit(ies) and teach it to the people.

It comes down to which way the persons energy is facing when they are working to communicate between the divine and the people.

As he was explaining this, I felt that it was truth.  Or at least the truth I needed.  My job is to hear the divine and communicate that to the people.  I am to be facing the people.

Almost simultaneously after Samhain, I understood the benefit I gain from offering and giving aid.  It feels right, and it is what I am to do.  And this while I felt that the West Work was over.  I feel like I have leveled up again, and I am happily sitting in the place of peace, before I start on the next set of work.

It seems that the work that is worth doing, is of the most challenging, yet the most fulfilling once you succeed.

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My morning walks used to be based on an excitement to get out and do something.  An opportunity to break my habits and really start getting into the shape I would like to be in.  But when it came down to it, it was work.  It was dark, and hot (at least once I started moving), and it required me to wake up an hour and a half early.

My company began a program for the employees to compete against one-another to see who could walk the most in a month.  I was doing fine, I had already been walking a lot, but I noticed that in the competition, I would gain extra points for my team, by uploading photos.  So, I made it a point to take a photo when I would walk, to upload for the competition.

Now I noticed that when I was on my morning walk, it was no longer just 5 miles to trudge through, it was 5 miles of opportunity for that beautiful and perfect image to show what this unique and individual walk had been.  And it changed my perspective forever.

We often see different lights on the same item and perceive it very differently.  In the wake of the West Work initiation in my shamanic teachings, I was charged with facing my own shadow.  And what this means, is that you look deep into every part of yourself that you have always put effort into looking away from.

I saw anger, cruelty, ego, self-loathing. I saw every bit of who I have not wanted to be, and I saw him not as other, but started to see him as the other aspects of me.

Looking into the worst parts of you can trigger some really bad thought processes.

After a couple of years of being overly burdened by responsibilities, and feeling the weight of them even after extrication, after hardships in the community that I have built much trust upon, after stress within my job, and after challenges within my family, I feel that my shadows, put me over the edge.

Severe Depression.

Being in a place where you acknowledge the sound of a lie, but you can hardly even refute it, because you are aware, and no longer trust your own judgment. I have been in a very dark place lately.  I don’t need to bore you with the hard details, but I will simply say, that I now understand enough about depression to know that I have never given it as much credit as it deserves.  When your own mind breaks trust with you to shut you down, it is a place that I cannot believe how many people survive.

But I have survived.  I found a morsel of truth amongst the darkness and chaos. I was aware that it was hard, but I was so busy trying to do all the things, that I never slowed enough to really see it.  And after I was almost hit by a car, and thought, “Well, that would have been easier.” I realized I needed to speak to someone. But even there was a downward spiral.  Every friend I thought I could confide in, my own mind would cut me off to tell me about how the friendship wasn’t solid enough for this type of burden…  Isolating me, from one friend at a time. But when I thought about my wife, and the comment about adding to her burden came to mind….

The words of my Rabbi came to mind; “You may always come to me with whatever burdens you carry. I am very good at compartmentalizing. And hearing your burden allows us to be closer.”

That was when I recognized the lie.  If I thought I couldn’t speak to my wife, or my Allyu, or my Rabbi with something like this, then I was lying to myself.  I instantly reached out for help from my therapist. And I called my wife to let her know.  And I have been seeking help.  As of now, I am starting to really be in a better place.  But I understand now.

One of the things that I understand is that my faith in my relationship with a few people is so strong, not even my own mind can trick me into disbelieving it.  But one thing I am beginning to understand is that depression has been taking from me for a long time.  When I look back at the last few years, I see the perspective I had at the time, and the perspective the situation probably warranted. And I see the difference between my long, hot, sweaty, and obligatory walk, and the one where I am looking for that perfect moment.  Things aren’t as hard now. I fear I needed to understand the darker perspective, to appreciate the lighter one.

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Relationships are an aspect I have found to be within remarkable flux for me. In this path, I have learned that every aspect of my life worth having, is worth some solid review. Look long, deep, and hard at each relationship to determine if it really serves you. And this has caused me a fair amount of stress, anxiety, and sadness.

It has been a challenge for me, as I now know many more of my own truths with which to bring to my relationships. Several of the relationships I have created since I started on this path have proven their strength. But to be fair, there was no real change there. We started our interaction once I accepted that I was a Shaman, a Pagan, a Healer, and an Energy Worker. But I have friends that I have had for a long time, and although many of them are wonderful, loving, accepting people, the relationships have suffered.

Time and time again, I literally feel like the friends I have held for years have forgotten about me. This past year has been the hardest of my life, and I saw only that friends were drying up, and not responding. (This sounds like a depression rant, and that is not at all the goal here.)

I have been asked multiple times in the past few months about why I was being so quite. And it didn’t actually click for me until this past Sunday, at Michigan Paganfest, with my Allyu, as to why I had been so quite. In the past 6 months, there have been very few of my friends that actually keep in communication, and of those 3 or 5 people, I feel that discussing what is hard, would simply burden them unnecessarily. Sitting with my Allyu, and my mentor, I realized that there is no aspect of this struggle that I need to hide, as they have experienced it too. And it got me to start really thinking on the relationships I have again.

Even those with whom I would like to share my new truths, are truly remarkable individuals, who are so busy in their own lives, and in a way that has nothing to do with me, have no time available. But timing is interesting. In the past 6 months, I would say 75% of the people I consider close, simultaneously got too busy.

This is a hard lesson to learn. I find that I will continue to think, and try to connect, but I need to start acknowledging that these could dry up for good. A relationship cannot exist, without that sacred reciprocity. It must give in both directions.

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We can find advice in all sorts of good places. One thing I heard from Sex Columnist, Dan Savage, really stuck with me.  While giving advice to a woman who really needed to extricate herself from the relationship she was in, he asked, “What is your price of admission?”

This is a remarkable question to ask in any relationship.  As a Shaman, or as a spirit worker, or in any walk of life as a human being, you are going to be in relationships with others. Others can be spirits, energies, people, trees, dogs, you name it…  You are building a relationship. And just like with people you know, relationships come in all shapes and sizes.  Some relationships are truly healthy for you, and some look healthy, as long as you don’t get too close.

The more you look at them, you have to ask some serious questions. Like, how do you know if a relationship is healthy?  Am I giving more than I am taking? Am I taking more than I am giving? Or Vice-Versa…

I was once told by a very reliable spirit, that my biggest challenge to overcome is my generosity.  It took me a long time to see how generosity can be a challenge to overcome.  And it wasn’t until things were really hard, and I found that I had friends that were taking more than they were giving, and it brought me to the point where I realized how much advantage had been taken.  To the point where relationships were damaged severely.

And I looked to my right, where Rabbi Jesus offers his compassionate view, I looked to the left and found Hecate outlining the boundaries in front of me.  And I had to ask the question, “What is my price of admission?”

I found that the answer was very straight forward. In order to ride this ride with me:

1. You need to respect me as a human being.
2. You must be considerate of me and my family
3. You must be willing to see that you could be the problem.

The answer was straight forward, following up on it, was not. I have several relationships, both friends and family, that I need to extricate myself from.

So, perhaps the main question is not about the price of admission, but perhaps the question is, how do you respond to those who are not willing to pay the price, yet still try to ride…