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I have recently been so over… ummm, burdened? no. Over… filled? no. I have been so inundated with new energy ever since we did the South work, in the progression of becoming a Shaman of the Peruvian lineage. Now, it is not that that ceremony gave me more energy, it allowed me to see it more clearly. I can see more clearly, and definitely feel energy in new ways.
For quite some time, I have been considering the idea of how to proceed with this new energy. And while, there are ideas about how to harness it to help in “making the crops grow”, as it were, the biggest challenge I have had is controlling it.
In my everyday, I work hard to control my actions and my words to get exactly and only the results I anticipate. (This is a rough practice where everyday I hope to fail a little bit less than the day before ~ But I am slowly getting comfortable in my skin)
For instance, if you are using a sword, if you focus on moving the back end of the handle only a quarter of an inch, you have to anticipate that with a 45″ blade, you will be moving the tip of that sword closer to 6″ in the opposite direction. A small action can have a large consequence if you don’t plan ahead. Now, what if you are handed a larger sword, a length you have never used, and you have to practice this 1/4 inch movement in a crowd of people.
This is the dilemma I am talking about. I knew how to control my old energy. Now that I perceive so much more energy, how do I limit my actions from changing things I don’t intend? If I have my new sword that is somewhere between 80″ and 105″, how am I supposed to keep people safe from the tip, when I have to practice my movement, but cannot predict the range of the tip?
I took some time to think about this, and I realized that I needed to speak to someone about it. How do I deal with this new energy, in a way that allows me to learn, while not harming people.
So much work has gone into cultivating the relationships with Rabbi Jesus, where I envy and would like to show the types of compassion he can, as well as Hecate. She is somewhat cold and to the point. Her energy is concise, and definitive, and she will lash out from time to time. There is so much in her energy that I feel makes me a better person.
How can I take these two energies, harness them to become who I most need to be, while being aware of this new perception of the immense energy I now keep with me. To be honest, this idea is really unsettling for me. So I asked for help.
I met with our Rabbi, and she is truly as spiritual as anyone I have met. Without a word from me, she informed me that she sees that I am concerned with how to wield my newly received energy. (Damn, she is good) And we were able to speak about it. She informed me that in the Jewish faith, and forgive me for butchering this as I paraphrase, you will carry a good energy on your right, and a harder energy on your left. The work is to realize that harder is not bad, or evil, just harder. And if you could remove all of the hardship from your life, you would do nothing. Challenge is the proponent to growth. And she compared Rabbi Jesus and Hecate as my good and challenging. With that comparison, I need to respect both, utilize both, but find the balance for the life I wish to present. ~What wisdom…
So, I am set forth with the challenge of finding where my compassion leads and where my boundaries need to become more apparent. Still rough. Last night, I spoke with my wife (another remarkably wise soul) and she pointed out the flaw in my thinking. (And I think the Rabbi was saying it, and I wasn’t hearing it) it is not about, working with 1, until it is time to switch with another, it is about always holding compassion, even when you must hold a strong boundary. It is about always living both.
Both of these energies were elated. She had explained it to me in words I could here. I need to hold my compassion, and my boundaries simultaneously, neither giving in, nor pushing away. I am a silo that interacts when I need to, and where I need to. The boundaries allow me to hold my own strength. Allow me to show infinite compassion while never being taken advantage of. Balancing this dichotomy is the road to true strength over this energetic dilemma.